Wednesday, July 3, 2013

and she lived happily ever after...

it's a significant day today.

36 years ago today the world was blessed with the arrival of my beautiful friend jill. my world, and i know many others, has been made better because of that event.

eight months ago today i was in a bar in new york, drinking with my sisters and cazz, (who is a sister, just not biologically) talking to strangers when someone asked if i was single. i said no. then sent phil a message asking if i was right. he agreed, and so began the happiest, 8 months of my life to date.

four years ago today i wrote this. and alis volat propriis was started.

and today, well today is the last time (for the foreseeable future at least) that i'm going to write here.

today is the end of alis volat propriis.

this little part of the internet has played such a huge part in my life and i love having somewhere where i can look back at where i've been and how much i've grown. (i'll keep it online for that reason alone) and i love the people that my blog has bought into my life.

i'm told that reading my words here is something that attracted phil to me - for that i'll be eternally grateful.

alis volat propriis started when i was in a really, really dark place and it gave me an outlet to clear my head of everything that came with living that horrible part of my life.

but for a while now i've not felt so drawn to sharing my feelings with the world.

for a few reasons, most of which are difficult to put into words. most poignantly, however, is that i'm in a far brighter place these days and i figure that it's time to start "doing" rather than "saying" and it's absolutely time to embrace where i am in life, to enjoy the happiness and really focus on believing that i'm worthy of all these good things, to live without analysis.

four years seems like a good place to end.

so thank you each and every one of you who has ever read my words, taken an interest in what i have to say, supported me in those dark days and celebrated with me as the fog lifted.

thank you blog, for giving me my own wings.

and she lived happily ever after.

the end.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

the first day of the rest of my life

gratitude that life is exactly as it is. gratitude for each and every last hardship i bear. and thanks that the very things i want to curse might yet prove the foundation of so much good still to come.

thanks meg.

today is d day, the day that my divorce goes through.

i've been contemplating how to properly put into words the myriad of feelings i'm experiencing today.

i don't think it's possible.

then i saw the above quote by the amazing meg of the wild and wily ways of a brunette bombshell and realised that that pretty much sums it all up.

today as my world changes and my day feels like the first day of spring with it's promise of new beginnings and growth, i am grateful for so many things.

most of all i'm grateful for the people who helped me survive the past 23 months and i thought the best way to mark this momentous occasion in my life was to document my gratitude for these people.

my family. theres no doubt in my mind that i could not be where i am today without them. from that first weekend where i doubted that i could live through this and i cried and yelled and cried some more on the phone to mazz and she listened and comforted me and had me believing that everything would be ok by the end of it. to the weekends where i'd spend my days with mum and dougie and they'd try so hard to make me happy, but allowed me to be broken and never let me forget that i was loved. to buzzy who wrote me the most unforgettable message on facebook telling me how much she loved reading my blog and seeing how happy i was becoming.

to last night. a "family celebration" of the final closure that was actually a surprise party with my favorite people complete with a cake and all the love anyone could ever wish for.

ali and daz. ali was my rock throughout the whole time, but especially in the first few months where her unwavering support was more than anyone could hope for. she would feed me, making sure that i'd at least have one meal to nourish me a week, both her and daz never failed to make me realise that i would survive and that ultimately this was the best thing that could happen. they listened for hours upon hours as i tried to make sense of the whole situation, daz offering his handyman services when ever i was overwhelmed, alis indescribable support as i suffered a break down in bali.

carls who's beautiful words, support, love and encouragement also helped me get through the darkest days in bali.

jill, who has always told me that i'm worthy of more, always made me feel loved and important and a part of her family.

katie who has always been a phone call away to listen to me cry or scream or contemplate or dissect. who spent a week with me as i house sat, keeping my mind off the break up and being by my side as the house went on the market. who helped me through the awkwardness of "what should i say's?" when phil and i first started talking and let me send photos of date outfits for her approval.

nicole, gael and brian. nicole for her kind words of love and encouragement in every way she possibly could, through the mail and text message, blog and facebook comments and in person. her words always bring a tear to my eye that someone could care for me as much as she does. and gael and brian, i could never find the words to express my gratitude for allowing me to house sit while they travelled, giving me much needed respite for 3 months.

karly who in the first few weeks sent me a hot water bottle to keep me warm at night, who supported me and checked up on me constantly, who never failed to tell me how well i was doing or how strong i was becoming. but mainly for giving me think beautiful during my time of need. i have no doubt that the tools she provided me with during those months were fundamental in my growth and the rebuilding of my soul.

my work mates. who bore the brunt of it all, the tears and anger. the years of anger. maureen who often sat with me, not saying a word, with an arm around my shoulder just letting me cry, sue who knew my pain all too well and told me constantly that it would get better, and she was right and shaz who, unfortunately for her, began working with me at the same time as it all happened yet dealt with my tears and anger like a real friend, and all of the boys who awkwardly showed me that they cared and were there for me in my monent of need.

my uncle colin, who without, i wouldn't have a roof over my head. he provided me with love and understanding and a place where i could be with my babies. a place where i could heal. a place that i now call home.

every person who ever showed me support and/or encouragement. either in person or through facebook or my blog. carlyn, karen, cara, mollie, sara, narelle, dave, amanda, mike, julie, laurie, mel, jo, kelly, fe, nessy, megan, my usa mommy jaina, jill, nelly, cazz, roxy, kaffa, melia, stacey, brooke, helgz, jadey, bush, rach, gis, sammy, nicky, jen, jezz, trin, mel, lesley, terry, greg, rob, danny, frank, sandra, jim, pete, sandy, rob, tookta, agey, esther, auds, mr feeny, margie, danni, berno, kim, emma, ali, libby, rita, kayla, kelly, jodie, dave, lou, chopper, terrianne, jaqui, sarah, jodie, genevieve, claire, mel, wendy, liz and debbie. all of you, everyone of you have helped me get to where i am today. your kind words, no matter how small or large, (sometimes disguised as mean - dave, i see through it!!) have been an amazing source of love that i often went back to whenever i felt like i just couldn't get through another day.

and of course phil, who made my world beautiful again. i love you.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

31 years ago

you left us on this day 31 years ago.

i've thought about you a lot this week as i finalise a huge closure in my life and the people who love me are helping me celebrate the happiness my life now holds. i wonder what it would be like to have you being a part of those celebrations.

and as always, at this time, i wonder if you have friends thinking of you, reminiscing about the good times, having a drink, making your favorite meal or playing your favorite song in your honor today.

i think about how it would be best for me to pay my respects. i used to go to the crematorium and just walk around, pick a rose and bring it home, but it never felt right. you're not there, your ashes were scattered and your free spirit never grounded with any plaque or whatnot.

i think i'll play some bob marley and the eagles tonight and have a drink for you. i imagine that something simple like that would be how you'd like to be remembered.

i think about mums day 31 years ago and how on earth she got through it and how i have an incomprehensible amount of love and respect for her.

i think about how the time passed since you died is longer than the time you lived and how very, very sad that thought is.

i love that picture above, thank you uncle colin for finding it deep in the archives of days long gone.

i love that you're looking at me, i love that your sporting your famous mo'. i love that we have the same eyes.

i love that there's evidence that we were once together.

in my thoughts always daddy, but especially today.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

google reader is gone as of July 1st,  but you can follow via blogloving (even if you don't personally have a blog :) )

click the link on the side bar xx

Monday, March 18, 2013

good bye mr yangs

yesterday i lost one of my best friends. bayang, better known as mr yangs, was hit by a car.
he was missing on saturday and we went out to the animal aid on sunday morning to see if he had been brought in, he hadn't so we left our details and went home, hoping that he might be waiting there. but he wasn't. then after lunch they called to say that a cat matching yangs' description had been bought in, he had passed away.
so i had to go and check if it was him. my poor mr yangs, so healthy on friday sharing a sausage with us at lunch time, was in a bag, wrapped in a towel, he wasn't breathing.
i miss him so much already. he was such a character, such a naughty boy always stealing food off the bench, sitting on our laps for cuddles and digging his claws in, bringing home rats in the middle of the night and meowing from a kilometer away to let us know he was coming home with his kill.
he was also the friendliest cat you've ever met, the first to greet a visitor, almost always at the door waiting for me when i got home from work, always ready to snuggle up, always by our side in the garden.
he's been with me through all the hard times, and now the good times too. he was phil's favorite and i'm so sorry that phil had to lose him, but i'm grateful that he got to met him and love him.
i feel like i've lost part of my wolf pack - the leader of my wolf pack.
thanks for always being with me mr yangs. i miss you and i hope you know how much you were loved. ♥

Friday, March 8, 2013

the proud owner of a shannon gallagher original

i am so in love with this painting that the amazing shannon gallagher painted for me
(water colour on canvas)
i can't stop looking at it!
she is certainly one very talented girl.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

on living a normal(ish) life

it's funny how content for the blog is sporadic. sometimes theres a whole lot i want to say and share, other times there's nothing much.

at the moment it's in between. theres plenty to say, but nothing profound, like there was, say a year ago, when emotions were at boiling point.

life has just been happening, and it's oh so normal and drama free. and who wants to read about my drama free life?! statistics tell me that my most popular posts are the ones in which i pour my heart out, put my vulnerability and faults on show for the world to see.

but one thing i love to do is read back over old post and see where i was, and how far i've grown. the fact that i'm living a normal life is a pretty big milestone. and i want to document my milestones, every one of them, big and small.

so this is what my normal life looks like right now;

i walk three mornings a week. the days are getting shorter and i'm walking in the dark now, but i'm using the quiet time to reflect and try to quieten my mind.

on thursdays i go to yoga. besides writing, or maybe even more than writing, i've never had anything that does my head so much good. my teacher is truly heaven sent.

i laugh with (and at) my amazing family. seriously, could not ask to share my life with greater people. we went to the airshow last weekend and i don't think i've ever laughed so much - well not since the last time we spent the day together.

i took my hair extensions out. it feels lovely to be able to touch my head with out weird lumps all over it. and my hair is pretty much at the same length as my extensions were. when i had them put in three years ago my hair was above my shoulders and now it's to the middle of my back.

we have two chickens - thelma and louise - one (i think it's thelma) lays an egg for us every day. most days we get it before koa - the dog - steals it.

and then on sunday mornings we eat our eggs with bacon and spinach and mushrooms.

our watermelon plant has 3 melons growing, and they are mighty cute. our other plants, grapes, strawberries, boysenberries, passion fruit and some herb that phil bought and i can't remember it's name, are all growing too.

we're buying a dishwasher on the weekend. no dishwasher was fine when i was single and never ate. i might have had a cup and a fork to wash once a fortnight. now theres two of us, and we eat (a lot!), dishes pile up. and theres always something more important/fun to do than dishes. it's our first big purchase together. and i'm weirdly excited about it.

on sunday afternoons we look through recipe magazines (what?!) and decide what we're going to eat for the week. and then we go grocery shopping and spend too much money. but we have fun doing so.

we spend most nights watching tv snuggled on the couch. i usually fall asleep because we're usually watching sbs or abc. although i admit that i'm becoming fond of red dwarf (what??!)

i'm in love, i'm so bloody in love with this guy who cooks me dinner while wearing his sun glasses, this guy who gives me butterflies when i'm driving home because i get to see him, this guy who sends me messages during the day, this guy who listens to the mess in my head when i can't sleep and won't shut up, this guy who's made it possible for me to say "we, our, us and we're", this guy who's made my life normal(ish).