Have you ever woken up in the morning and realised you didn't want to go to work? I don't mean you had a big night and wanted a sleep in, or its sunny so its a nice day for the beach, I'm not even talking about mild dis-content either, I'm talking about being over it, completely and utterly over it!
That's exactly how I've been feeling as late, so when I was in Collins book sellers and saw a hot pink and lime green book with the title "30 something and over it" I knew it had to be mine!
The blurb (is that the right word?, I don't think that's entered my vocabulary since grade 4!) says; "terrified she'll spend the rest of her life wearing pinstripes and pretending to care about "adding value", Kasey embarks on a journey to rediscover passion and purpose in her life and work"
Can I get a "Hell Yeah!!!!" Is Kasey writing about my life????? Although my blurb would read more like this; "terrified she'll spend the rest of her life in filth and pretending to care about the price of scrap metal, Jandy embarks on a journey, yadda yadda..."
Kasey talks about loosing her "give-a-shit". I don't know when or where, but I lost mine too. Actually have I ever had it? I don't want to do this 9-5 Monday to Friday job, just to pay a mortgage on a house that while I absolutely love, I'm not sure its where i want to live, Ive almost (I say "almost" because there is still the little bit of hope hanging around) come around to the fact that I wont be having children, so why would I do all this boring adult mundane crap?! Why conform to societies views of what an "adult" should do if I'm not going to be the full package anyway?
I bought a house when I was 21, with the dreams of bringing up my family in it, and because of those dreams I did what I'm "supposed" to do, and got a job in an office, 9 hours a day (so its worse that 9-5, its bloody 8-5!) for an average wage, nothing too great, but enough to pay the bills. Which leaves weekends for all the fun stuff like grocery shopping and mountains of washing and hours of vacuuming. Wasn't moving out of mums supposed to be exciting? When did my life get so boring?!
I have so many ideas running through my mind, I could sell up and travel (then there's the nay Sayer's "you cant do that, you need something to come back to") I could look for a more satisfying position (but fear paralyses you and if I'm honest with myself, I probably wont ever do it, theres too many "you're not good enough" thoughts running through my mind) I could try a more free life, get back in touch with nature - a dream of Steve's is to build an Eco home and live off the land, great in theory, but you need the money to start it up.
Ive never been satisfied with the 9-5 life, but I always figured that I was meant to be a mum, so the 9-5 thing would only be for several years, then I'd be a house wife, take the kids to school and do ironing while watching Judge Judy, keeping a lovely, tidy house that smells like fresh baked bread, a domestic goddess as such! Plans don't always work the way they are supposed to!
I'm also 31! (shudder) I know that's still quiet young, but in reality, it's getting "up there" because of my commitments with the house, it means I cant quit work and go back to school. I guess its and age where everything you've done kind of comes together, along with the regrets of what you should or shouldn't of done, and how changing those things would have changed your life. But regretting something doesn't change it, so I guess it's also a time of realisation that "hey, this is my life" however over whelming or underwhelming that may be!
I don't so much "regret" the choices Ive made, but I didn't look into anything enough, I just did it. "lets buy a house" there was no discussion of where we'd like to end up, or 5 year plans or anything of that sort, every choice was made with the perception of being "normal" and making a home to bring my family up in, never ever did it enter our minds "what do we want to do if, shock horror, we don't have kids?"
I guess loosing my "give-a-shit" isn't a failure, or anything to feel embarrassed by, the more I've spoken about it, the more I've found others going through the same thing. It, with out a doubt, is tied to my realisation that I more than likely will never be a mum, but in reality, its just the next step in the ladder of life that I need to climb and conquer. I need to work out what I want for MY life, it doesn't have to be a burden, this next phase of my life will be exciting!