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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

30 something and over it!

Have you ever woken up in the morning and realised you didn't want to go to work? I don't mean you had a big night and wanted a sleep in, or its sunny so its a nice day for the beach, I'm not even talking about mild dis-content either, I'm talking about being over it, completely and utterly over it!

That's exactly how I've been feeling as late, so when I was in Collins book sellers and saw a hot pink and lime green book with the title "30 something and over it" I knew it had to be mine!

The blurb (is that the right word?, I don't think that's entered my vocabulary since grade 4!) says; "terrified she'll spend the rest of her life wearing pinstripes and pretending to care about "adding value", Kasey embarks on a journey to rediscover passion and purpose in her life and work"

Can I get a "Hell Yeah!!!!" Is Kasey writing about my life????? Although my blurb would read more like this; "terrified she'll spend the rest of her life in filth and pretending to care about the price of scrap metal, Jandy embarks on a journey, yadda yadda..."

Kasey talks about loosing her "give-a-shit". I don't know when or where, but I lost mine too. Actually have I ever had it? I don't want to do this 9-5 Monday to Friday job, just to pay a mortgage on a house that while I absolutely love, I'm not sure its where i want to live, Ive almost (I say "almost" because there is still the little bit of hope hanging around) come around to the fact that I wont be having children, so why would I do all this boring adult mundane crap?! Why conform to societies views of what an "adult" should do if I'm not going to be the full package anyway?

I bought a house when I was 21, with the dreams of bringing up my family in it, and because of those dreams I did what I'm "supposed" to do, and got a job in an office, 9 hours a day (so its worse that 9-5, its bloody 8-5!) for an average wage, nothing too great, but enough to pay the bills. Which leaves weekends for all the fun stuff like grocery shopping and mountains of washing and hours of vacuuming. Wasn't moving out of mums supposed to be exciting? When did my life get so boring?!

I have so many ideas running through my mind, I could sell up and travel (then there's the nay Sayer's "you cant do that, you need something to come back to") I could look for a more satisfying position (but fear paralyses you and if I'm honest with myself, I probably wont ever do it, theres too many "you're not good enough" thoughts running through my mind) I could try a more free life, get back in touch with nature - a dream of Steve's is to build an Eco home and live off the land, great in theory, but you need the money to start it up.

Ive never been satisfied with the 9-5 life, but I always figured that I was meant to be a mum, so the 9-5 thing would only be for several years, then I'd be a house wife, take the kids to school and do ironing while watching Judge Judy, keeping a lovely, tidy house that smells like fresh baked bread, a domestic goddess as such! Plans don't always work the way they are supposed to!

I'm also 31! (shudder) I know that's still quiet young, but in reality, it's getting "up there" because of my commitments with the house, it means I cant quit work and go back to school. I guess its and age where everything you've done kind of comes together, along with the regrets of what you should or shouldn't of done, and how changing those things would have changed your life. But regretting something doesn't change it, so I guess it's also a time of realisation that "hey, this is my life" however over whelming or underwhelming that may be!

I don't so much "regret" the choices Ive made, but I didn't look into anything enough, I just did it. "lets buy a house" there was no discussion of where we'd like to end up, or 5 year plans or anything of that sort, every choice was made with the perception of being "normal" and making a home to bring my family up in, never ever did it enter our minds "what do we want to do if, shock horror, we don't have kids?"

I guess loosing my "give-a-shit" isn't a failure, or anything to feel embarrassed by, the more I've spoken about it, the more I've found others going through the same thing. It, with out a doubt, is tied to my realisation that I more than likely will never be a mum, but in reality, its just the next step in the ladder of life that I need to climb and conquer. I need to work out what I want for MY life, it doesn't have to be a burden, this next phase of my life will be exciting!

3 comments:

  1. Awesome blog Jands! Love it! Just remember that you're only restricted by your imagination and the belief you can do it. You CAN do whatever you want! Too old? Fuck that! If you wanna go back to school, you do it! You're 31 - a spring chicken! My Dad is starting out again now... at 57. If you don't want a 9-5er, you don't have to have one. It all comes down to figuring out what it is that you want in your life and then taking the steps to making it happen. Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

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  2. Jandy everyone goes through this I reckon around this age, I will do a blog soon about what happened to me in the lead up to my 30th, it was messy really really messy, I had no idea what I was doing, where I was going and was drunk all the time, which I find is always important when making all the big life choices!
    I totally get the tied to a mortgage thing, the only thing I have between myself and the street is the next pay cheque and making sure I keep up the repayments and there is no one else but me paying the bills so at times I feel really weighed down by this and really wish I could travel more and had the freedom to perhaps make different career choices but I have put my house as the number one priority in my life which prevents me from doing this.
    I think you need to decide if it’s the job you don’t like or the fact that you have to work at all that you are unhappy about, if it’s the later then there is not a huge amount you can do except perhaps sell up and invest what you have and travel, make a lifestyle change or start your own business or something along those lines, but if it’s the former and you want to have a job that provides you with rewards (and the will to live) whatever they may be for you then I would be thrilled to chat to you about some options, I did careers counselling for a while, I don’t want to blow my own horn, I mean I am no Sylvania Schmitt but I go ok!
    But the big more for you I reckon would be to be doing something where you got some enjoyment out of your work, because this feeds your self-esteem and in time you would realise just how fabulous you are and perhaps then you might want to make some scarier choices, you can’t expect yourself you make them over night, it’s a process and it has to be small steps for it to work and to actually make you happy.
    Plus, I reckon you should have kids, you would make a great mum! I never wanted them before I was 30 but now I want them so badly! It just about kills me to think that I may not have the opportunity – but without a partner it might leave me with a few challenges!

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  3. Cuz, for two girls who spent Christmases many years ago amongst the Resch family it's amazing how different our lives ended up at this point.

    I'm almost the polar opposite of you... and it's not that great on the flip side. I never did the house, husband, normal life thing. I lived for my crazy advertising career and although I managed to get somewhat close to the top... it never gave me that 9-5 life. Now I'm 31, single, living in Vietnam, with a love life that makes Melrose Place look boring.

    But saying that - I too would love kids.... ok maybe not the house/husband part.. but kids would be good.

    My advice to you would be to do something crazy... you can travel... you can change jobs... your life is only what you make it. I never knew this is where I'd be at 31 but although I might not have the picket fence... I feel like I've really lived and my experiences fulfil me more.

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