It's my 100th post! woot! go me! Look at that Jandy, you've stuck at this for 100 posts!!!! but I'm sorry to say, for my 100th post, I'm slipping the serious Sally hat on!
I haven't been blogging much lately, I don't know why really, clearing my head and putting it all on paper (or screen!) is probably exactly what i need!
Life right now is an episode of The Hills, with out the glamour!!! My life is all drama drama drama! Theres been big dramas at home- that's for another time, I also still don't have my car back (which, incidentally has also been flooded during its "down time!" - also another blog for another time!) and Ive had two separate dramas with girls, the kind of dramas I haven't had since I was 13!
It has all exhausted me, it's been 1 step forward and 5 steps back in the whole confident, happy, new me stakes and it's had me questioning who I thought i was, and if I've handled things the right way.
You see, I've always kind of prided myself on being a nice person. I'm certainly not a saint and there's many, many things I need to improve on, but I've always cared about peoples feelings, I've always tried to see things from other peoples perspectives, I've always tried to offer advice if asked, I've always tried to help people out if they need me, I never thought I had a mean bone in my body, well maybe a few, but they were strictly reserved for people willing to hurt my family, friends or home. In fact, I've often been accused of being "too nice"!
The last month or so has had me questioning if in fact I am "too nice" or not nice enough, and the pros and cons of being either.
My first "girl drama" involved my kindness being taken advantage of and even used to target me. That probably sounds weird without knowing the full story, but I don't want this to be a bitch session and I sure don;t want anyone reading this and being hurt, so I'll try and explain without going into too much detail.
One of my closest friends, lets call her Suzy, was having some issues with a mutual friend, but one that was more Suzys friend than mine, lets call her Esmay. Esmay thought that a way to hurt Suzy was to hurt me. I think she saw me as an easy target, I'd always made more of an effort with Esmay than some of our other friends and to be honest, she wouldn't have perceived me as being as "cool" as some of the other girls, I was probably seen as more forgiving as well, there were also jealousy issues, but that's getting too far into it! Esmay went to very immature lengths in order to hurt me and it got me thinking that maybe I am too nice, if people can take advantage of your kindness does that mean I need to tone it down a little, look out for me a bit more? Or maybe I'm just not as nice as I thought I was, maybe my efforts were all in my head, maybe I'm such a nasty person I don;t even realise?
The other drama, same goes - I'll try to explain without getting into too much detail, with the hopes of not upsetting anyone - A person from a long time ago came back into my life earlier this year, we'll call her Julie. Julie had had a fairly hard time of things since we last spoke (who hasn't though hey!) and I think she saw me as, I don't know, maybe a bit of a mentor, she looked to me to give her advice, and pick her up when she was down. The problem is she became a real Negative Nelly (ta for that word Karls!), and the more she asked for advice, the less likely she'd be to take it! It got to the point where her messages and phone calls would physically drain me, people would tell me to cut her off as she was manipulating me into feeling sorry for her, and into fearing the consequences of me not being there for her when she needed me. But I couldn't hurt her, she obviously needed me and I wanted to help her help herself. But I never saw her doing anything to change her situation and I started to see that most of her messages were written in a way that would result in me feeling sorry for her. She also became very immature, The sort of messages she would send me were unbelievable, I'm 31, but anyone reading my phone would have sword it was a year 8's phone! I decided to try a bit of tough love and she pretended to take it on board, but once again, there was no change.
I've been there, I've been the "poor me" person that complained and complained but never did anything to fix it, I understand where shes at, but after so long of people telling me only I could fix my problems, I did something to fix them, its a work in progress, but I doubt anyone would deny I'm working hard on it. That's what frustrated me so much, here I am, offering her all the support she wants but all she wants to do is play the poor me card, its so freaking draining. Anyway, the whole thing came to an end on Tuesday after some absolutely pathetic messages from Julie, and me cutting off all contact.
Problem is, now I feel terrible, in many ways! I think I did the right thing for me, for my sanity but I also committed to being her friend, should I have just taken her lack of trying to just "be Julie" and therefore get over it. I'm also thinking back to the old saying about how the things that bother you in other people are things that bother you about your self. Maybe I am a needy person who asks and asks for advice but never takes it on. Maybe my negativity brings all this other negativity my way?
I wonder, can someone be so toxic to your life, your well being, that you need to rid your self from them in order to be happy, or do you just need to take the good with the bad in life, realise that everyone is on their own journey. Even more into it, should I not let myself get so close to people? If they don't know me, they cant use any of my personality traits - good or bad - against me?
The only thing through all of this that I am pretty sure of is that if I was as nice as I used to think I was, I would have handled this situation differently. Or then again, maybe I was too nice in the way I handled it from the beginning? Oh, I don't know! AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!