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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Alone

Don't get me wrong, I have awesome mates and the greatest family one could hope for. But living with a manic depressant is a lonely life. I'm sorry, this blog is supposed to be about being happy and finding beautiful things and what not, but sometimes, I'm sorry, it's going to be what it first started as, a place to lay all my feelings on the line, a place where i can "poor me" to my hearts content, because, god damn it, this is my blog! You have the choice to roll your eyes and skip my blog, or read on! I'm not looking for sympathy, in fact, metaphorically speaking, this is just a toilet bowl, filled with my verbal vomit! wow, that's one hot image for you there!

So anyway, back to my rant, where was I? Oh yeah, Steves a selfish, irresponsible asshole. He has absolutely no concept of other peoples feelings or beliefs. What he "knows" is right. end of argument! In a normal relationship, you compromise, you might not love going fishing, but your partner does, it makes you happy that he's happy, so you WANT to go with him. But with Steve, if it's not what he wants, he's not interested. For example, he planned to "take me shopping" pfft, I earn the money fucker!, but anyway, long story short, we were at the shops for probably 20 minutes before Steve had cracked it, complaining his back was hurting yadda yadda. Funny, he'd been shopping the day before, all day, for the stuff he wanted, with out any pain! Of course it was my fault for making him go shopping when he was in pain. Man I'm a bitch!

Steve, over the years, has managed to alienate himself from most of my friends and family, as well as his own, making social outings hard work, but the worst part is, I can't speak to him about my day to day life. The people I want to talk about, Steve has opinions of, or simply doesn't care about. If my sister gets a new job, I want to be excited for her and tell Steve, but he's not interested, same as if work shits me, I want to bitch to him about it, but he isn't interested. Instead he gives me opinions, like "Well stand up for your self" I don't need that shit, I need a "poor baby, it's hard working with people who are below you!" (LOL)

I want to be invited to someones place for tea and know I can accept the invite, but I can't because it'll depend on Steve's mood that day, whether or not he likes those people this week. I want to see a preview of a movie and tell Steve we're going to see it on the weekend, but I can't because he might have other plans, besides, he HATES the movies - despite the fact it's one of the things I love most.

Steve constantly does things to jeopardise our relationship, on a daily basis, but he has depression, so it's OK, he has a bad back, so it's OK. I do one thing a little selfish and all hell breaks loose!

Steve drinks far to much and spends more money than we have which puts a constant weight on my shoulders. I'm a budget head, I like to know where every cent is. I mean, I LOVE to spend the dollars, but after the bills are paid, and once I know if I need to save any of this weeks pay to cover next weeks bills. THEN we can spend money. Steve knows this about me and yet he has never tried to make my life easier in that regard. All I want is for him to just once think "This has been so hard for Jandy, I want to show her that I appreciate everything she does, she doesn't like me spending money, so I wont" I'm sure that sounds selfish, and maybe it is, but it's all I want. If I were to see a shooting star, that's what I'd ask for. To put it in perspective, while I was in America, I gave Steve $1000 to live on, for 2 weeks, he had no bills, just groceries and petrol, I'd covered everything else. I came home to find he had spend $2500 in the 2 weeks, with very little to show for it. That's more than double what I allowed for him (And I think the $1000 was MORE than fair??) that was a WHOLE MORTGAGE PAYMENT! and, keep in mind, he wasn't earning a cent! Then last week while I was on the road trip I lectured him about being careful with money while I was away. I came home to $1500 less in the account - after being away for 4 days! and then, after that, 2 days later, without consulting me in anyway shape or form, he withdrew $1000 from our account and bought a bongo drum! No, he's not in a band, he only knows the very basics, but hey "it was a great deal, couldn't pass it up." Well guess what fucker, our bank thinks our mortgage payments are a pretty great deal we can't pass up either! Meanwhile, Woolworths (you'll always be safeway to me!) had quilt covers for $30, bargain, I contemplated buying one while I finished my groceries. and guess what, because I'm an adult, with maturity and responsibilities, I decided I didn't need it, yeah it was a good deal, but really, how is spending $30 I wouldn't have otherwise spent, a bargain? It's not is it!

The other side of it is that despite my support group, in the end, everyone lives their own lives, they might care about mine, but no one actually understands it, no one understands why I put up with it, or why I don't . It's lonely living in a world where I'm the only one that understands it.

I don't even know why I put up with it, or why I stay, I guess I see glimpses of the real Steve, the Steve that I hope will come back one day, it's also because of fear and a lack of self confidence and respect, but mainly, and this will sound lame, but I made vows to this person, I promised to love him, in sickness and in health. Show me one person who would tell me to leave him if he had cancer?! Depression is an illness, no different to cancer, or diabetes or whatever other illness, it's not something Steve chooses. (though he does choose to wollow in it sometimes). If I had my time over, I would do a lot of things differently, but this is the hand Iv'e been dealt, I just have to make the most of it.

12 comments:

  1. You know when you need an ear... I'm always here! You are an incredibly strong person Jandy and there's no doubt (in either of our minds) that you put up with much more than you probably should. Life can be happy and easy... it does take work though. You've had times when you've shifted your mindset and Steve has stepped up to the plate... but I know how tiring this whole situation is for you. I often wonder how you manage to keep going with a smile on your face. As I've said before, you are a stronger woman than I.

    Girl! You deserve the world.. and when you're ready to receive your gifts, they will start piling up on your front door. Happy vibes heading your way!

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  2. I'm sorry to hear things are so tough, so much of your post scarily resounded with me, I understand and second that you are incredibly brave. It's not an easy road to walk, I hope that it does get easier for you in the future and him too.

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  3. Girl- I hope you know that I get you. I'm right there with you in the same situation. Except we've already had to do bankruptcy because of Matt's unbelievable spending. So my credit is shot because of him. I don't know why I stay. I don't know why I put up with any of it either. And maybe one day I'll snap and kick him out. I don't know.

    But I do know that I understand you and I hope you know that if you have to vent about ANYTHING- you can email me. Anytime. I'm practically connected to my email 24/7. :)

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  4. Woooooo vent it out! Sometimes all you need to do to make the right choice is talk it out. Call somebody that knows where you're coming from. This being St. Pattys day I am sending you lots of luck!

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  5. Stoppin' by from Mrs. Chicken!! It's your own little space on the web to vent and what's the point of having one if you don't!!! Sending happy vibes through the interwebs (and oh yeah, men do have the tendency to be assholes!)

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  6. :(

    I hope you know I'm always here if you need to vent. I am also here for a movie at home or at the actual movies if you ever want someone to come with you. I promise I wont be painful, or crack the shit's, lol.

    xxx love your local bogan neighbor!

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  7. Shite, that was me, stupid anon option!!

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  8. Two things...

    Firstly, I am so sorry I have only become a follower now. I can't explain this but when I first saw you had followed my blog, I couldn't find the link to your blog from it - and I do always like to support supporters. I have only found it now because you had commented before me on Karls' blog. Glad to be here now though. Have enjoyed reading what I have seen so far.

    Secondly, your cancer analogy is a good one. But my first thought is: is Steve trying to fight his depression, as a cancer suffered would their disease? Depression is most certainly not a choice but I hope he's trying to make changes for you - and for himself.

    I agree, blog venting is so very beneficial.

    xx

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  9. I have a family member that suffers from severe depression as well as severe anxiety and it is a deadly combo. I can't remember the last time she said something nice to me. I realize this is not the same level to what you go through but I can tell you I understand some of this better than some might think. It is sad and lonely and it is a disease and no one can help her until she really wants the help and wants to change.

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  10. Wow, what a brave woman you are. It sounds like you have been putting his needs first for a very long time, so here's a question for you - when is it your turn?

    www.kellyansapansa.blogspot.com

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  11. Okay - firstly I am very glad I found you blog - am loving it - secondly - you are amazingly brave - My mum is manic depressive- I don't get it from your angle - but I know that you must be amazingly brave and strong to stay. And I have various assorted mental illnesses so THANK YOU so much for understanding that it is an illness - but it is, like Kate says, an illness that needs to be fought - I guess sometimes its just too tiring :) But *many hugs* from someone you don't know, who barely knows you but who admires you greatly - if for nothing else than for not apologising for being yourself and feeling what you feel :)

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Thank You XX