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Thursday, March 4, 2010

The one in which I ramble - or your average AVP blog entry!

I'm a bit all over the place today! Steve and I have been fighting an insurance company for the last 5 months and three days! While I'd LOVE to do a whole blog about all the bull shit we've been through, I can't for legal reasons (at the moment anyway!), but it's looking like all the stress Ive been under because of it will come to a halt tomorrow, fingers crossed! I'm overwhelmed about this , I have literally fought every day for the last 5 months and 3 days about this and I'm exhausted! But I'm so proud that Steve and I got through it! Believe me, there were some times when it didn't look like we would.

It all coming to a halt has also shown me how selfish I've been over the last few months. One thing I must admit I'm really good at is playing the "poor me" card. I have to learn to stop that! Suck it up Princess! I'm also quick to put Steve down, but forget about all my faults.

Also I've been thinking a lot about career changes. Let me paint the picture.... I'm basically a looser who doesn't have the confidence to get out in the real world, so I work for my Mum. I've recently been promoted to Personal Assistant to the Manager. But as good as that sounds, my mums the manager, so basically I'm my Mums shit kicker! I also have suspicions that I got the promotion because I'm so shit at my current job that the only option they saw was to get me away from it. It's easier to do that than fire your own daughter, yo!

I was speaking to my little sister about how I feel about my job and she told me that I NEED a new job, she said I'm wasting my creativity here, but creativity doesn't pay the bills! She also said that I'd have a better relationship with Mum if we didn't work together. This got me thinking, because I thought we had a great relationship, maybe Bec knows something I don't :( Mummy doesn't love me like she used to because we spend every day together! that breaks my heart. I had hoped going to America with her would make us stronger, I guess it didn't. another reason to look for a new job! My bestie also told me that she thinks I'm wasted in this place. Ali would never ever hurt me, so I took that the way she meant it, but it also got me thinking.

In the end though, it's my pathetic lack of confidence that's holding me back from getting the things I want - or at least trying to. I enrolled in a self confidence course last week end with a teacher from my High School. She told me that she believes lack of self esteem is due to an unfullfillment of goals. I was shit scared to do the course, but I psyched myself up and even managed to get excited about how this was going to change my life. I was proud of myself! I can't remember the last time I was proud of my self!

So, how did I go? Wouldn't you know it, it was cancelled the day before! I'm shattered, and also have to consciously stop myself from thinking "well that's a sign, I'm meant to be a looser for the rest of my life". I've asked my teacher to keep me in mind in the future, I guess if it's meant to be, it's meant to be!

I was doing some errands for work earlier, driving around with my mind ticking over all the crap when I got to thinking about the feeling I had when I stepped out of the train station into New York City. Everyone talks about how amazing NYC is, I'd actually never really had a desire to go there, but I can't even explain the feeling of standing in that street out side Madison Square Garden, surrounded by 1000's of people and seemingly millions of yellow cabs. It takes over, I felt so happy, like I was where I was supposed to be, but at the same time overwhelmed and in awe. It was the only time in my life where I couldn't believe I was where I was. It was a comforting feeling. So anyway, I'm driving around with all these thoughts in my head and on the radio comes "Empire State of Mind" and everything was OK for a few minutes!

My little sister is moving interstate next week (Unlike me, she's filled with self confidence - If I had her body, I would be too!) and I'm driving up with her! I'm really looking forward to it! Bec is 11 years younger than me, and with Mum being a single Mum, I did a lot to help bring Bec up. She was my best friend in the world, and all she wanted to do was to grow up to be like me. I Loved Bec like Ive never loved anyone, I'd imagine it would be similar to loving your own child. But as Bec grew, she got cool. She had better things to do than hang out with her weird hippy sister! While I love her as much as I ever had, our friendship grew apart. I totally understand, friends are very important when you're 20, I just hope that one day, she'll realise family is just as important. But that's why I'm so excited to spend 4 whole days with her, to see her off on her adventure. We're going to have a ball, we're going to stop at any random place we see, like if we see a sign that says "House made of bottles" or the "Big Banana" (Australia has a fascination with "Big" things!!) you better believe we're stopping to check that out! We're going to stay where ever we end up, we're going to visit Karls in her raddest of rad homes, we're going to get drunk in weird little pubs, we're going to make truck drivers blow their horns while we drive down the highway, (That sounded so wrong!), we're going to make up stories to tell people, like we're running away from home, or we have some amazing job, We're going to be free for a whole week!
Only problem is that I bought lots of awesome stuff online at F21, it'll probably arrive when I'm away!

So, did I loose you after "I'm all over the place...." or did you hang in there? I'm sorry, I did warn you it was a ramble! Thank you for taking the time!

Tomorrow is going to a better day, actually, no, tomorrow is going to be awesome! Hopefully the insurance shit will be over, it's Friday and even better than it being Friday? I finish early, and Ive got a whole week off! Bring it on!

4 comments:

  1. Ahhhh sweetheart! I think next week is going to be EXACTLY what you need! I'm so looking forward to seeing you! Yeeeeeew!

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  2. Don't be so hard on yourself! You're one of the "beautiful" people and I'm sure your sister knows it! xx

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  3. Aww precious, don't be so hard on yourself! Your a living legend to me.....I wouldn't have been strong enough to go through all that you have over the past months! Hold you head high, and be proud!
    Have an awesome trip, I'm so jealous I can't go with you!! Take HEAPS of pics and write a kick ass blog about it when you get back!
    Oh, and say hi to Karls for me, I frigen miss that bitch!
    Love ya x

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  4. Girl- don't be Debbie Downer. You and I are so much alike it freaks me out. Ask your mommy if she had a baby abducted in March of 1982. It's probably me. ;) Keep your eye open for new jobs constantly. You really never know what is going to pop up. I feel the same way about my job and it's scary starting something new. But sometimes new is what you need to gain self confidence, too.

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Thank You XX