I read a great quote on Blog Goggles the other day....
"The will to blog is a complicated thing, somewhere between inspiration and compulsion. It can feel almost like a biological impulse. You see something, or an idea occurs to you, and you have to share it with the Internet as soon as possible. What I didn’t realize was that those ideas and that urgency — and the sense of self-importance that made me think anyone would be interested in hearing what went on in my head — could just disappear."
Exposed, by Emily Gould
I've been hiding from my blog for a while now, I haven't written anything heart felt, well actually I have written a few heart felt posts, some are still in drafts, other I posted and deleted after a few minutes. Theres three reasons for this;
1. Like the above quote, the ideas have disappeared to an extent, the urgency to have my thoughts shared with the world have some what diminished compared to my first few months or so of blogging.
2. I'm not the only one going through what I am going through, and I have a hell of a lot on my mind, a lot of which may be considered disrespectful to others, or hurt other peoples feelings. Unless you write a blog, or keep a diary, you don't understand how therapeutic taking your thoughts from your head and putting them on a computer screen or on to a piece of paper can be. Also, words can be misconstrued, or worse, used against you.
3. I have issues! One of which is a low feeling of self worth. I do know it's pathetic, but it hurts my feelings to come on here, write a post and not receive a single comment. I'm the same with facebook, or my mobile, if I check either and haven't got any notifications or messages or missed calls, I simply can't help feeling like I'm not good enough. I started seeing a therapist and we spoke about these issues (among many many others!) and she explained to me that I "assume too much". I do. I assume that because so and so hasn't spoken to me for however long that I'm not good enough, I assume that because so and so hasn't rang to see if I'm OK it's because they don't care, because I'm not good enough to be cared about. I assume that because so and so's blog has more comments it's because what I write, or how I write isn't good enough. I assume that because so and so asked so and so to "add" them, but not me, it's because I'm not good enough to be "added". I know it's silly. Maybe sometimes, in some peoples eyes, I am not good enough, but why would I want those people in my life anyway? I'm trying to turn my negative thinking around, and to be honest, trying to catch my self doing it and stopping it, is an uphill battle, but one I'm willing to stick to, one I am going to win. Because I am good enough at being me.
I've decide to get back into blogging. It helps me to organise my mind. While I do speak to some people about what's going on, I don't want to burden people, I don't want to be judged on my choices, I want (and certainly NEED and APPRECIATE) support to an extent, but I don't want my whole life, every conversation, to be about what is happening to my marriage. I need this outlet, and yes I could write it on paper and keep it all to myself, but it's MY CHOICE to put it here for the world to (or not to) see.
While I absolutely appreciate comments and feed back, if I don't get any, I can live with that, after all, I'm doing this for ME, for MY well being. I certainly don't want comments just because I commented on your blog, nor do I want the sort of people who are not willing to comment because I DIDN"T comment on your blog, so if you read my blog, and something makes you WANT to comment, please, please feel free to, I'd love it! But I won't be publishing a post and then checking it for comments every day anymore.
From now on AVP is my outlet, my (free) therapy. What I write on here will come straight from the heart, if that ruffles some feathers, so be it, I will always be respectful to others, but this is my place on the Internet, and it will no longer be censored for other people, in other words, if you don't hurt me, you will have no fear of reading anything bad about yourself on here, if I feel hurt by you, I will, as politically correctly and respectfully as possible, express my feelings here, if it is what I want to do.
Alis Volat Propriis is Latin for "She flies with her own wings" and from now on, thats just what I'll be doing.