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Friday, July 16, 2010

I guess I am kind of grieving

The end of your life as you know it is actually quite similar to grieving for someone, I guess.

I cried my self to sleep last night, thinking of how much I'm going to miss my friend, the person I have shared so many memories with, good and bad, how I wont be able to do the little things we used to do together. I'm a very sentimental person, I once had a job that I would cry while driving to every morning, when I quit, I cried about all the good times I had with my coworkers - the same coworkers that made it hell to work there! Man I'm fucked in the head!

So last night was the sad stage, today is anger. I'm biting every ones head off, but what I really want to be doing is punching their faces in (that could also be to do with the fact that Aunty Flo's due for a visit!). I am so freaking angry that the life I want is being taken from me, that I have to do so much in order to stop living the life I want (sell my house, be lonely, loose my cats, loose friends etc etc etc), that the last 13 years of my life have been a waste, I am fucking angry that I'm not strong enough to know that this is whats best for me, that life I've been living isn't really the "life I wanted" at all, yet that stupid "I'm not good enough" belief running through my head makes me feel like it's the best I'll ever get, I'm angry that while I want to be Steves friend, he seems to hate me, I'm angry that certain people aren't giving me the support I need from them because I'm not doing what they believe I should be doing, I'm angry that I'm putting on weight, I'm angry that I'm trying to be mature and civil through this, but everyday hearing about horrible things Steve is saying about me. I'm just damn fucking angry.

I just want to fast forward to 6 months time when everything has been done, when I've gone through all the grieving stages, when I'm closer to knowing that I'm going to be OK.

5 comments:

  1. I wish I could be there to give you a hug right now. The friends that care about you, we are the one's that will help you through this - as for the other (so called one's), don't worry about them, they are not worth it! You will get through this Floss, and no doubt it is going to be tough. But, you are going to be a much happier and better person. You deserve every inch of happiness and I know you are making the right decision - I am with you every step of the way. I think a seaside escape is in order for you as well. Can't wait to have your bed waiting for you. Love you beautiful girlxx

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  2. I'm with Hobbsy love! It's scary making changes as big as this in your life. Know this... the changes you are making (as hard and sad and frustrating as they are right now) will allow you to have the life you want... cause this sure ain't it - and you deserve so much more. Sometimes a doors gotta close in order for another to open.

    I'm also with Hobbsy on the seaside escape - perhaps you need two of them!

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  3. Dear Jandy, my love:
    I hope you know that no matter what anybody says about you that you have a ton of people who think you're awesome. You? Are an inspiration to me. You are actually doing something productive towards leading a happier life.

    I know that you are angry about the time that you feel you've lost. And I think it's good to go through all of the stages of grief. But I hope that eventually- no matter what Steve thinks or says- that you look back on those 13 years are a good time. Because no matter what- you shared a special piece of you with someone who is special to you. No amount of bad times will ever negate that. You loved him, and honestly? I think you still do. I think you are doing the best thing you can do for him. Sometimes a person will never get better until they fully recognize how they are and want to make a change. He isn't at that point, obviously, but you are. And it's important that you do what's best for you.

    If people tell you that you are being selfish or not trying your hardest? Tell them to fuck the hell off. Giving 13 years of your life and feeling miserable and having a low self worth is probably the biggest sacrafice that you can give. You did your best. A relationship needs 100% from BOTH people otherwise it's not fair to the person who's trying. By not giving 100%, he's the selfish one. And he's hurt- that's why he's saying these things. You know the truth and that's all you need.

    Chin up. I am always rooting for you. I think you're special and you are worth something. You are going to mean a lot to another guy who's going to treat you like the princess you are. Believe that. Believe that you are a great person and deserve great things. :)

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  4. I don't know you well but through your blog I feel like I have had a chance to get to know who you really are and trust me when I say that I think you are amazing, vibrant, stunning, adventurous, honest, fun, beautiful...and so many other things. Hold on the light will come!

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  5. Honey, you will get through, this stage is horrible, take it from someone who unfortunately knows...BUT, you can see that there is good from all the bad shit your having to go through at the moment.
    When a realtionship becomes toxic it's best for both to admit it and move on.
    You are very strong, and you will get through this, you have support from the family and friends that matter....as for the others, I agree, don't worry about them, they are not worth it....now is the time to focus on you and what you need to get you to that happy place.
    What ever you need, when ever you need it, you know I am here.
    Love you forever and always my gorgeous girl xo

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Thank You XX