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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

On the verge of a mental break down

excuse the language, I not only have my cranky pants on today, it's a whole effing suit baby!

Seriously, thats how I feel right now, I know, I know, personal pity party, whateves yall, my blog, and thats how I roll.

I want to hide away in my bed, under the covers, and not talk to anyone at all, not do anything for anyone. I want to be selfish and lazy. When is it my fucking turn?!!!!!!

My life is at a standstill right now, can't fix anything, can't move on, it's fucking pathetic. It's my fault too, because I'm scared, and weak, and exhausted, I'm nothing - thats it, I am nothing. I'm not demanding the respect and love I deserve, I'm settling for people telling me I don't deserve those things, when I do.
DAMN IT! I deserve to be loved, I deserve your respect, I deserve your help, I deserve to not be used, I deserve to be appreciated. I deserve to be happy.

Ages ago someone pointed out to me that when I'm in a group, people always, ALWAYS talk over me, and they do, in life in general, I'm just looked over, I'm tired of being the person that is just there, the person that will clean up, feed the animals, pay the bills, sort out the bullshit at work, get every one a cuppa, go to your house when you never come to mine, work hard from the minute I get up till the minute I go to bed, the person who isn't quite pretty enough, skinny enough, loud enough, funny enough, smart enough, the person who used to be fun, the pale girl, the girl with bad skin and terrible hair, the person who writes an OK blog - but so and so's is better, the person with the car from last century, the person with the job that isn't as good as yours, the person who goes to the gym 5 times a week but just keeps putting on weight not taking it off, the person who isn't loved. More than anything, I just want someone to love me for me, not hate me for all the things I'm not.

I'm really sorry, I just needed to be a sook for one entry, I'm going to try really really hard to pull my self out of this rut and start being happy and grateful by tomorrow.

3 comments:

  1. Oh Floss, I love you for who you are, every single bit of you. Always have, always will. And you are pretty, beautiful and "awesome", you would not be my friend otherwise!! Life is going to change for you, it is all about taking a step in the right direction - and you are definitely doing that. Be strong my beautiful one, get rid of that cranky suit to the salvo's too. I think you are definitely in need of some much loved nana and lemon slice time - roll on the 18th when I can shower you with my love! Maybe I will have to do some toilet papering, just to make you laugh. I love you for you, please don't change who you are, put those wings on and fly my little Floss!xxxxxx

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  2. Yeah- don't you change who you are. You are you and there's nobody else like you. If someone can't appreciate that- then fuck them. (Not literally!!) I think the minute you stand up and say, "You know what? I think you really suck. I've tried hard to be civil and nice and make this easier for you. Except it's harder on me and god dammit- I'm done. Get your shit and get the hell out OR start pulling half of your weight 100% of the time. Failure to do that is a total deal breaker. So if you don't think you can do it, pack your shit and leave. I'm done and I? Am not going to let you walk all over me anymore." Do it. I guarantee that once you just explode and get it all out you will feel much better. And the next time asks you to get a cuppa you need to say, "Nope- I'm busy doing nothing, but on your way get me a cup too." :)

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  3. My darling girl, you have no reason at all to feel this way.
    You are an amazing individual that lights up my day every time I get a call, text, email, Zumba workout or just see you for a chat...
    You need to know you're gorgeous, and there is people out there doing everything they can to look like YOU, you have awesome hair, a beautiful figure (even better now you've put a little weight on), great fashion sense, a great mummy to all your animals, and amazing friend, and an all round top chick! I could go on forever!
    I agree with Sara, you need to bite the bullet honey and just do something for YOU!
    You deserve to be happy, and piss those cranky pants off for good!
    Buff and I will make sure you have plenty of loving on the 18th (maybe make a double batch of lemon slice hehe).
    Keep your chin up honey, I will always be there for you no matter what!
    Love you always & forever xxxxxxxxxxx

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Thank You XX