Let me be the Christmas Grinch for a moment.
I used to LOVE Christmas, like Love isn't even a strong enough word to describe how I felt about this time of year. I'd count down for weeks for December the first so that I could put up my tree and lights. I'd drive around for hours looking at beautifully decorated houses and singing carols, I'd spend hours writing out cards and wrapping presents. I used to sleep at my mums on Christmas eve so that I'd wake up with her and my sisters to see what Santa had bought us (yeah, I'm talking 4 years ago, not when I was 4!), I'd watch my Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer DVD over and over and over. But now, I'm a Grinch. No, not a Grinch, I don't hate Christmas, I just can't love it like I used to, with passion.
You see, Steve hates Christmas and I honestly can't remember the last one he didn't ruin. It all started back about 10 years ago when we decided that we'd have Christmas at our house. The day finished with a burnt turkey, me ringing to tell my family to not even bother coming, Steve and his Dad almost in a punch up, his Grandma, Mum, and I in tears. And me swearing to never, ever, ever have Christmas at our house again. Ever since then, it's virtually impossible to get Steve up on Christmas morning, let alone get him to be happy. Give him a present and he'll toss it to the side exclaiming that he "hates presents". Don't give him one and you're a selfish bitch. He wont socialise, he wont wish people a "Merry Christmas" he wont go to lunch, he'll basically do what he wants.
I am at the end of my tether trying to figure out what goes on in his head. He used to have big ideas about how we'd spend the day, what presents he would buy etc, but Steve being Steve leaves everything to the last minute, or forgets about it all together. So he wakes up Christmas morning disappointed that he hasn't done everything he planned, and basically takes it out on everyone around him. Which usually means me, and his parents. But now days, I can't imagine that making my Christmas day a special day would even enter his mind, so maybe it's more the fact that the day isn't all about him? I mean he HATES my birthday, so what other conclusion can I come to?
While I can surround my self with twinkling lights and sparkling tinsel, I just can't get back my genuine Christmas cheer. I still love Christmas, but I don't have a passion for it anymore. That makes me sad. And makes me think a lot about where my life is, and where 2011 can take it.
Sorry to be a downer.