Have compassion for everyone you meet
even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit,
bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign
of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.
You do not know what wars are going on
down there where the spirit meets the bone.
- Miller Williams
via Yes and Yes
It's not a conscious thing, but I've found my self reading a lot on the net about learning to forget your past (but learn from it also), learning to respect your self, forgive your self, and love your self.
Karls posted today about forgiving her self,
and the "Complete guide to not giving a fuck" was a great read. (though I think the title should say "about other people" because it's important to give a fuck about yourself, or so I've just discovered)
I think that's what I'm really going to take from this. I've always, as pathetic as this sounds, waited for the "event" in my life that would give me confidence, you know like a great job, or my 15 minutes of fame, or someone loving me. This is the "event". This is where my life changes, where I become a better me.
Sometimes, randomly during the day I'll think I'm happy (this is "before") and then I realise my life is in limbo, at a stand still, I don't love myself, and I just simply don't deserve that happiness, so I stop it. Yesterday, I was driving and for that minute I was happy. and there wasn't anything telling me I didn't have a right to be. I absolutely have a right to be. I'm beginning a new adventure, an adventure that has no boundaries, nothing set in stone, only full of possibilities.
I'm pretty happy with how I'm handling this, letting my self "feel" it. I've gained a lot of perspective, already. I've finally realised (some of) the ways I'm at fault, and how fixing those things, for me - not Steve - will in turn fix me. I wrote Steve a letter too, where I got a lot off my chest, and was probably the most honest I've ever been, with him, or myself. It felt good. It felt good to just be me, without the fear of judgement. I laid my heart on the line, without fear, and without hopes. Because, although it is a work in progress, I've finally come to the realisation that should anyone choose to use my kindness, honesty, compassion and love as a way to hurt me, or put me down, well that will be a flaw in their personality, not mine.
I'm worthy of other peoples love and respect, but more than anything, I'm worthy of my own.