Please understand, that at the moment, I'm not really stringing sentences together all that well, so this is another one of those verbal vomit posts! Now if that's not advertising to encourage you to read on, I don't know what is!
I'm likening this break up to that of a death. I'm grieving. Grieving for my life, love, and company. Over dramatic? Perhaps.
My head is constantly full of thoughts, I don't have a spare second that I'm not processing things.
I think I'm going through the "7 stages". There was certainly shock, Saturday night was filled with anger. Pain and guilt has probably reared it's head on a daily basis. Depression, reflection and loneliness were also part of Saturday night (wow, how fun did Saturday night sound!) Luckily I have an amazing family and an irreplaceable best friend with spare shoulders for me to cry on.
I am definitely getting some perspective though, and I can see that this truly is for the best. Honestly I can. But then again, I saw an add for spaghetti this morning and balled my eyes out, realising that I don't know how to make spaghetti!
My head is a whirl wind. But I've made a few promises to my self; 1: that I'm going to feel this. If I'm sad, I'm just going to let my self be sad. I am certainly not going to change my feelings to suit other people, 2: there will be no game playing (from my side anyway) - things have gone through my head on a number of occasions, things like "OMG, I can't be home when he gets back on Saturday night, he'll think I've sat here crying all night". (which is exactly what I did do!!) Nup, theres not going to be any of that crap. If I want to sit at home and cry, I will, and I wont hide it. He didn't want me anymore, so he doesn't get to control my life anymore either. My last promise to my self is that I will accept every invitation (within reason) that comes my way. It'll be so easier to sit and wallow, but I'm going to make my self, get up, dress up, and get out there (this is about social outings more than dates, at this stage anyway).
This is going to make me strong, and confident, and sure of who I am. This is the start of my new life.