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Friday, June 17, 2011

The mind (well mine anyway)

The mind is a funny thing. Well I hope it's not just mine.

For a long time all I focused on was how shit my relationship was.

Pretty much the second it was over, all I could remember was the good times, the holidays, the months building our garden together, our wedding day, the day we got the keys to our house, our silly car dances, the days when we were the couple that other couple aspired to be like.

I forgot all about the sleepless nights, wondering how to pay the mortgage, the hurtful words, the loneliness or the holes in the walls.

I even wrote lists about what I did wrong, what I could have done better, but I will do better. I made a list of what Steve did wrong and only came up with depression. Which was actually an excuse for all of the things I couldn't think of rather than what he did wrong.

My mind is starting to unscramble now, and I know I'm not as bad a person as I first thought, I'm certainly not entirely to blame and I can actually see that I don't so much miss my marriage as I miss the dream of what it should have been.

I haven't cried for nearly a week. I mean, there have been tears, but no hysteria, no uncontrollable tears for a life taken away from me, just tears for the unknown, tears for the good memories. Which, I guess is all part of the healing process I guess.

I think I'm going to be alright.

3 comments:

  1. I know you're going to be alright! In fact, you'll be much, much, much, much more than just alright.

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  2. You will be alright babe, and I'll be there for you every step of the way.
    This shit isn't easy, and I am so proud of you for taking the steps you need to, to make your life better, and for one in which you deserve.
    Your amazing :) xx

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  3. As they say "she's alright!" and you are and will be Jands. You are on the right path and some days will definitely be harder than others. You will heal and you have all of us by your side every step that has to be taken. And if I have to bake you lemon slice every week, so be it, I WILL!

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Thank You XX