During my "break", I realised, that's what I do.
I've always known that I'm "creative", but I've never found my niche. I'm OK at painting, my drawings are cute, but will never sit in a gallery, I can do craft things, but I'm more of a copier than an inventor. While I can do these things, they don't stir a passion. Though I know that that passion exists.
My Dad was creative. I've often wondered if that's what I missed out on when I missed out on his influence in my life. I think that would have been his role in my life, to nurture my creativity.
Nearly 2 years ago I began a blog, before that, for as long as I can remember, pen and paper was my therapy. Although I never realised it until now.
When something is on my mind, I think about it in written form. I don't know how to explain it better than when I have stuff on my mind, I process it like I'm writing a blog post or a letter or a diary entry.
When I'm sad, I write a rough blog post, when I'm frustrated or angry, or need to get something off my chest, I write a letter, when I'm thankful, I write thank you notes, when I'm vulnerable, I write Facebook statuses (bad bad habit!) and I write lists, I write lists of my lists!
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't pretend to be a writer, or particularly great at it for that matter - I ramble, I'm emotional, perhaps too honest and self conscious, but I'd be a fool to say that I have a blog for the world to see and not think my writing isn't totally shit.
What I know for certain is that I like to write, it soothes my soul. A moment of total honesty here, it makes me feel good to know that people read what I write.
I think writing may be my niche.
So I'm back, back to write. Back because I'm ready, I need to, I want to.
With a few changes. I wanted to change the name. Alis Volat Propriis always felt a little pretentious to me, but the meaning still holds true. (It's Latin for "She flies with her own wings"). "My own wings" seemed fitting for where I am. And with thanks to Erin from Designer Blogs, I also have a pretty new layout (which also deserves thanks from Ali who made the final choice). A fresh new start.
I'm contemplating turning comments off. How ironic would it be for me to ask you to comment on your ideas about the subject?! The only part I hate about blogging is comments. The whole comment for comment mindset drives me crazy, especially when you get one comment, check their blog out, follow and comment, never to hear from them again. That and the feeling of a need for validation. Comments equal interest. Although my stats don't agree.
I think everyone needs a little validation in their lives, but I've realised that I feel like I am unworthy without validation. If I think my hair looks great, but no one else says so, I must have been wrong, if I think I do well at work, but no one notices, I must have been wrong, if I paint or draw and no one sees it, it can't have been any good, if I write a blog post that I'm proud of and no one comments, my pride must have been embarrassing.
I always assume, assume what people are thinking or doing, why they are or aren't validating me. I make up scenarios and all it accomplishes is anxiety. I need to change that. I need to fly with my own wings, know that I am allowed to be happy with myself and not make excuses for it. I need not to be told that I am awesome in order to believe it.
I think turning comments off might be a step in the right direction. Buuuut I don't quite have the guts to do it yet (love me first pleeeaaaaasssseeee!).
Back to the point of this post, I'm back, and if you are too, hello! Welcome back, I'm so glad you're here.