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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Thoughts on paper (or screen, if you will)

It;s a beautiful Melbourne winters day, the sun is shining, everything is green from the recent rains and there's a chill in the air, the sort of chill that makes you feel alive, saves you on the cost of blush.

It inspired me to write.

To take the jumble out of my head and on to paper (and then into cyber space).

So that I can feel the sunshine on my face, with a clearer head.

It's now 7 pm and the moon is up, no sunshine for me, but a clearer head (albeit, sorer eyes) is my reward for nearly 5 hours straight of writing.

I'm writing from the house I am sitting. In between watching Malcom in the Middle Australia's funniest home videos and making lists. Lists of things I need to do, and things I want to buy (a pay cheque to ones self allows for the occasional band aid of frivolous purchases such as heart shaped sunglasses and a fluffy toy cats head for a beanie).

It's nice here. Clean - animal hair and dust doesn't clog my thoughts, theres no chores that have to be done - Molly takes a fraction of the hour and a half of the feeding time my babies require, and there's no anxiety. Well, a lot less anyway.

I do long for the day that I actually live somewhere, where I have a home again. At the moment I maintain 2 houses, but don't live in either. I'm essentially living out of a suitcase and inevitably what I need is always at the other house. I can't be completely comfortable here. family and neighbours drop by to collect mail, garden etc so I feel the need to always leave the house as I found it. Before I leave I always put everything away. I haven't barely used the kitchen because I don't want to make a mess. I feel like I'm 20 and need to be checked up on, not a 33 year old who has lived out of home since she was 21.

It's me though, over analyzing, assuming. it's not that anyone has particularly done anything to make me feel uncomfortable.

I am truly grateful for this opportunity. In a perfect world, without this commitment, I'd be with my babies, who love me unconditionally, and I'd have the time to pack and get the house ready for sale without guilt of not fulfilling my commitments, I'd be moving on ASAP. But in reality, I think I need this time to be alone, to not have my stomach sink every time I hear a car approach, to not see Steve everyday.

To really move on.

2 comments:

  1. Floss, you can live however you like there, trust me, you are doing the in laws a huge favour by being there. Make as many messes as you like, use all the baking trays too!!!! Just relax, enjoy the peace and quiet and YOU time. No one expects you to live like Sadie the cleaning lady!!!
    Love you xx

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  2. I get what you mean Jands. You'll find a place where you feel at home... After all, home is where the heart is and your heart lives in you. This is something I've struggled with at times - especially in the 'buccs.

    Know that good things are coming to you mate (including a 'home') because you are absolutely deserving.

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Thank You XX