i don’t really know where to start, to say that march was a massive month would be a massive understatement!
i’m a new and improved version of the jandy who wrote to you in February. but it hasn’t all been triumphs; the start of march was quite possibly the hardest 2 weeks i have ever endured. they were confronting and oh-so-lonely.
i struggled, i doubted that the metaphoric sun would ever shine again, i had far too much spare time to think and doubt myself, in every way imaginable.
i spent my first 4 days in bali basically locked in my hotel room crying and wondering why the hell I thought I was capable of doing this. i failed to see the beauty in anything. i cried while eating breakfast alone, i cried while sitting by the pool, alone, i cried after ordering room service, i cried after every phone call (and usually during) i cried on the odd occasion that i would venture out of the hotel, i cried myself to sleep every night.
and when i wasn’t crying, i was thinking, about how i’d fucked up every aspect of my life. to me, being alone in a foreign country was the epitome of being a fuck up, if i wasn’t a fuck up, i’d be here with people that love me, simple as that.
i tore my mums’ heart out. what’s a mum to do when her oldest daughter is in another country and can’t pull herself together? but i couldn’t even bring myself to put on a happy face for her.
in all honesty, i had an (inevitable?) breakdown. I was at rock bottom. there were a few days there that i could not see any light, any reason to live.
and then everything that i feared might happen when i went off to volunteer came to fruition, there was only one class a week, i was the only volunteer, i was taken to a village an hour and a half away from where i was originally told, i wasn’t given any food bar a loaf of bread, my host family obviously resented me being there (made evident by the father telling me he only received $5 a night for me to stay – hence no food)i could go on and on!
so i cut my project short. in hindsight, i’m pleased that i did, though i know that i could have stuck it out. in the wise words of karly, sometimes it takes more strength to get out of a situation that isn’t right for you than to stay.
it wasn’t right for me, i went to bali to teach english, all along i was given the impression that i would have classes every evening, one a week wasn’t what i went for. all along i was given the impression that there would be a group of volunteers, i went there to make new friends, meet people, that’s made very hard when you’re the only english speaker in the village.
i stuck it out for a week, and will be eternally grateful for my week living in the “real bali”, where i did meet a new friend and learnt so so much. not just about bali, but myself. i also learnt that there are a few people in this world that do actually love me to death and would do anything to make me love myself the way they love me.
my sisters (kelly, you’re basically a sister!) came and saved me, spending the weekend with me where I let my hair down and forgot about every issue that had left me crying in the two weeks prior.
while in the tear induced haze in which i lived for nearly 2 weeks, i failed to realise that i was growing every moment. i navigated bali International airport, i checked myself into a hotel, i organised massages, i ate breakfast, i swam in the pool, i got eyelash extensions, i made conversation with people, i travelled in cars for hours on end with people i’d never met, i stood up on a surf board 4 times, i shopped, i slept in a room knowing there was a bird eating spider in the trees outside, i rode on the back of a strangers motor bike – more than once, i walked around the village, i lived in a foreign families home, i attended a second birthday party where i was clearly the only westerner, i showered in a bucket, i tutored a young girl without anyone telling me what to do (and made a friend), i made myself part of the family, i ate Indonesian food from a Warung, i made my way back to kuta - ALL BY MY SELF!
and since I’ve been back, i’ve got a tattoo (it’s a quote in the middle of my back – “if a bird cannot fly, it walks...”, which basically means that things don’t always go to plan, but you’ll always find another way, which pretty much sums up my life!) i’ve stopped my OCD eyebrow plucking and have had my eyebrows waxed, i’ve been for drives, i caught up with 2 wonderful old friends without any fear of awkward silence, i went to the movies and am currently sitting in a cafe writing this.... and all of that, i did ALL BY MY SELF!!!
i just feel like I’m in the right place, the right frame of my mind. i feel closer to whole for the first time in a long time; actually i can’t remember ever feeling this close to whole before.
after i wrote that sad blog post about being sooooooooooo lonely on my second day in bali, my cousin sent me a beautiful reply, part of which went something like “you’re going to make friends... with yourself.” she couldn’t have summed it up better. for the first time ever in my life, and i mean E.V.E.R., i am my friend, i no longer work against myself, i’m no longer my worst enemy, but rather, my friend.
i’m still a work in progress, don’t get me wrong, but i’m starting to get better.
that in its self is a huge accomplishment, if i do say so myself.