today marks the one year anniversary of the end of my marriage.
just thinking about the past year makes me feel exhausted.
it's been a year of ups and downs, tears and smiles, hugs and solitude but most of all it's been a year of lessons and growth.
i remember, a month or two after the day, i was driving through fiveways in mooroolbark, on my way to the house that i was house sitting. i was struggling to see the road through my tears and i thought "this is good, i'm alive". for so long i had been dead inside. i hadn't realised it until that moment, with a tear stained face, i realised that i had switched off my feelings, i had put up a wall of armour to avoid the hurt. now the wall was tumbling down, and it felt empowering.
in the past year, i have had to learn to be alone, to live alone, travel alone, cook and shop for one, attend new years, my christmas party, friends and families birthday parties - alone, i had to wake up on christmas morning and my birthday alone.
i've been lonely, doubted my self worth, questioned everything i've ever done, cried myself to sleep - actually i've cried more tears than i ever thought possible, had to drive more that i ever have before, tried to learn to cook, missed having someone to talk to about the little things that happen in my day, missed having someone to go places with, been envious of everyone, been angry, been in denial, been sorry.
but i've also learnt to enjoy - in fact savour - my own company, i've spent far less money - i haven't had to worry about money, i've stopped looking at my bank balance 5 times a day, i've realised who the really important people in my life are, i've never had to ask for someones permission or check in with their plans, i've been able to leave an outing when i want to, i've never had to put the toilet seat down, i've only washed my undies, i've learnt to sleep using every square inch of the bed, i've never had to go to some "do" of friends or family that i would rather not associate with, i've seen and done so much more than i have in the past years waiting for someone to join me by just doing it myself. i've conquored many a challenge, i've learnt to be my friend.
the best way i can think of to describe the past year, without causing any offence, is that it was a blessing in disguise, and as strange as this might sound, i believe that i will forever be grateful for it.