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Wednesday, August 1, 2012

my big confronting, awesome weekend

i had a huge weekend. a confronting weekend that left me with fingernails that couldn't physically be shorter. an inspirational weekend that left me excited for the future and proud of what i can actually do.

and here's where i reveal my true colours, the real weirdness that bubbles away inside me. i'm ready to loose friends!

friday night was huge. but it's another post in itself. another post for another day. maybe.

saturday started with karlys works shop, or rather vision boarding funshop. although i've been before i was still nervous. a new group of people, people i have to interact with, people who i have to pretend that i'm at least a little bit interesting to. plus the whole digging deep and finding what it is i really want - the visioning - was confronting in itself. i have plenty of ideas of what i want, but i haven't really sat down and concentrated on it since, well, the last funshop!

but as usual, i built everything up more than i needed and it ended up being a really inspirational, beautiful morning. i spoke with strangers and they cared about what i had to say, they cared about my finished vision board, just as much as i cared about them and theirs.

and my vision board was beautiful, if i do say so myself!

then (weirdo jandy makes an appearance right about now!) i went to the pub with karly and claire. something so normal to everybody else in this world. but something so momentous to me. momentous because i never ever do that.

i am usually a pedantic wanker on the weekends, i have this ocd thing where i think i can't go back to work on monday without having cleaned my house, done my groceries, done all the washing etc etc etc, so i make sure my weekends leave time for said ocd things, usually to the detriment of my social life. the fact that i had been out on friday night, was going to be out all day sunday would ordinarily leave me freaking out about having to fit everything into the only free time i had - saturday afternoon. it's a pretty big deal that i put hanging out over making sure that everything was ticked off my to do list.

this part is hard to explain. even i know that its crazy! but i would never usually agree to go out with two people who are good friends. for want of a better way of explaining it - i would never usually go out with two people who are better friends of each others than they are of mine because i feel like i'm intruding. claire and karly had a lot of catching up to do and that would usually leave me thinking that i would be in the way. plus claire and karly are cool, they have lots to say, funny, interesting things - what could i possibly add to the mix? but on saturday i just took karly up on her invite without a second thought and went along. and we sat and talked for hours, and they did care about what i said, i did have things to offer. and they were funny, interesting and thought provoking, they were inspirational. and they did get to catch up, but they included me in the catch up.

i picked the whites off of everyone of my nails over the course of the afternoon, i don't know why. neither claire or karly made me feel nervous or uncomfortable. i guess it was because while i was sitting there i was conscious of the fact that i was climbing another step of my ladder, i was conquering another fear. an embarrassing fear that i'm more than happy to see the back of.

sunday was another day that saw me dealing with stuff. my baby sister is going away on friday for 3 months so we had a good bye family bbq. most of the family came, which includes my beautiful stepsisters and their equally beautiful families. they both have great relationships, the kind of relationships that i hope to have one day. and they both have newborns.

i know how horribly selfish it is, but i do my darnedest to avoid newborns. don't get me wrong, i love when their tiny fingers wrap around mine, i love their soft fluffy hair and perfect little toes, their chubby arms and legs and bright blue eyes. it's because they stir this gut wrenching sadness inside of me that i avoid them. a sadness cause by the realisation that at 34 i'm running out of time to have one of my own. a sadness that in all honesty reflects into a terrible jealousy that i'm ashamed of.

but on sunday i relished baby zoe and levi, i lapped up their sweet newborn smell and marvelled at tiny little eye brows and eye lashes. it didn't hurt at all, it was nice and comforting and natural. i didn't want to give them back. not having a baby of my own doesn't mean i can't love other peoples.

i did so many things this weekend that i had been so scared of. things that turned out not to be anywhere near as scary as i had imagined (well except for friday night - that turned out to be just as scary as i had imagined).

i'm proud of me and my ugly, battle-scared fingernails!

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