steve and i were together for a long time so it's inevitable that lots of things trigger memories. i've cried driving to the airport, listening to songs, at the zoo, driving past a light pole he hit in his car, i've even cried while grocery shopping.
but the other day when koa and i drove to gembrook, we passed a nursery that steve used to work at. i said to koa "that's where your dad used to work, back in the good ole days" without even thinking about it i added; "but that's ok mate, we're making our own good ole days now" and went about doing so.
i didn't realise how significant that moment was until a few days ago when a friend asked how i was. the sort of friend who is genuinely asking, he doesn't care for a "good thanks". so when i replied i actually thought about it. remembering my chat with koa i wrote "really good. and it's awesome that i really mean it!".
i do mean it. i'm really good. pretty sure i'm happy even. i'm content, thankful rather than bitter for the past few years, eager to grow and learn, i'm in a good place.
i'm the sort of person where it's never enough, you know? i think a lot of us feel like that. i should be doing this or that, life would be better if i did so and so or maybe i'd find happiness if i moved to wherever. but right now, i think this is enough. a little comfortable house close to the people i love in a neighborhood i know, a stable job, wonderful family and friends in my life and this chance to grow, it's all enough for now.
i have a lot to be thankful for; the opportunity to live somewhere that lets me keep all of my animals, freedom and independence, financial stability, solitude that allows me to explore my creativity, a job that while it drives me crazy also has a lot of benefits, family who love and support me, that make me laugh and let me be me, friends who tell me on an almost daily basis how much they love me and are proud of how far i've come, tookta and all the lessons she teaches me, the ability to travel where and when i want (within financial and annual leave boundaries of course), this chance to live on my own. i'm thankful for this time in my life that i know i'll look back upon as the years which shaped me.
i think that my biggest lesson through all of this is that you (i) need to be focused every day, focused on what you need to do to get to where you want and you need to apply those principles. i think it was einstein who said “insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results”.
when i read back over this, i realised that only i could define one of my most significant life moments as a conversation with my dog!