via google image
a subject that keeps coming up lately is body image. or more specifically, my opinion of my body.
i'm weary of speaking about this, for many reasons, but on the top of the list would be that i don't want it to come across as an exercise in fishing for compliments or an oh woe is me post. another reason is that i'm thin, and because of that people tend to think that i don't have a right to an opinion about weight and self esteem issues.
i'm about to get brutally honest here....
it goes back to that old mindset of "be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle". i have a very poor opinion of my appearance. i see myself as ugly, simple. my weight is the only thing i have going for me. i mean i know i'm a good person on the inside, i know that as fact, but people don't see that, we can all pretend we see deeper than looks, but in reality, it's someones appearance that you see first.
and i know this as fact, because i've been overweight, i've had people ignore me because of my weight, i've seen the difference between the way people treat a big girl to a skinny girl. and i never want to experience that again. it's the harsh reality of the beauty obsessed world we live in.
i'm cruel to myself, i know that. and i throw fuel on the fire of this beauty obsessed world because i take away the importance of being a good person with my dislike for my appearance.
i've done some terrible things to my body in order to maintain my weight, and i hate myself when i put on a couple of kilos. i'm 53 kilos right now and i walk around covering my stomach thinking that everyone is looking at how fat i am. even in this delusional state i can see that that's pathetic.
i have a bad habit of telling people my flaws and faults, it's a defence mechanism, i tell people that i put on a few kgs, or that i have the smallest boobs in history, or that i have bags under my eyes so that they don't talk about it behind my back, so that they are aware that i'm aware. i know that it annoys my new partner to hear me talking about how ugly i am, or to throw his compliments back in his face. and i know how he feels because one of the most attractive people i know is forever trying to improve her self and i'm forever trying to get her to see herself with my eyes.
i recently had an angel tarot reading done and a subject that kept coming up was that i need to learn to love me for me, and i need to be kinder to my body. i want to have a baby one day and the reading told me, basically, that that's not going to happen until i reconcile my thoughts of my body and look after it better.
i've done so much work over the past 18 months to fix my head, but in that time i've kept getting worse and worse at looking after my body, but i don't know where to start, how to change my thoughts and beliefs, all i see is that no matter what i do to fix this, society will still see me as unattractive.