Tuesday, December 4, 2012
A lover not a fighter on the frontline with a poem
this morning i was looking over old posts, i found this.
it made me cry.
because while so much has changed since i wrote it, so much remains the same.
until this past weekend i was still forced to walk on egg shells when it came to him. there were still rules for him and a different set of rules for me. he still showed me no respect and still changed his feelings and moods to suit himself with not a second thought as to how it may effect me, he still did what he wanted and then acted like i was the worst person in the world if i dared to do the exact same thing.
i'm a very sentimental person, and i'm the first to admit that i don't like change, so despite a lot of our time together being sad, i had hoped that we could remain friends, after all, we spent almost half of my life together.
i realised that we couldn't even do that several months ago, last weekend i realised that i don't actually even want to anymore. however i believed that we could still remain civil towards each other.
i was wrong.
i can hold my head high that i've done nothing to jeopardise that, i can hold my head high knowing that i've given him nothing but kindness and respect when, in all honesty, he deserved neither.
and i can be proud that everything he's done to me hasn't made me a nasty spiteful person. i'm proud that i'm (still) a nice person, i'm proud that i'm loyal and i don't care that it's sometimes to a fault. i sometimes wish i could give him a taste of his own medicine, but i'm glad i never stooped to his level.
i regret that i stayed around longer than i should have in the hopes that things would change, i regret that i got to a point where i no longer felt worthy or entitled to be loved. i regret that i've done a lot of things not because i've wanted to but because it would save the proverbial shit hitting the fan.
but all that is going to change now, i've finally found the strength to say enough is enough.
i'm thankful for the lessons that being in a bad marriage gave me, lessons that i've applied to my life to make it better and happier, make me stronger, help me appreciate being treated well and fairly.
and i'm thankful that i experienced absolute sadness because without that sadness i wouldn't see how wonderful it is to be truly happy.
and without a doubt in my mind, i can now say, i am truly happy.