only 21 days into the new year, lucky "taking my blog more seriously" isn't one of my resolutions...
this blog started out as a place where i could quieten my mind from all the congestion that living in a bad relationship bought along. i've written about living with someone who suffers from depression, i've written about my own struggles with sadness and loneliness, i've written about the end of relationship hell and the myriad of emotions that came with that and i've written throughout the highs and lows of my eighteen months of healing. now i'm on the other side of that wall - i'm happy and in love, and while i still have a mind that needs to be quietened, i didn't feel like this was the outlet. i mean, reading about someones sad excuse for a life is far more interesting than reading about how happy one is, right?
then i found this quote by rita schiano; “talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. break the habit. talk about your joys.”
and, as usual, i'm rambling, when all i wanted to explain was why there was such a long silence here, it's because life's good basically, and i didn't think there was much to write about that, you know, a writer is supposed to be full of angst and all. but to the contrary, there's plenty to write about being happy and in love...
off on a tangent.. where was i?... new years resolutions, i'm a bit slow to the resolutions post bandwagon, i know! but january has always felt like a good month, it seems to offer the chance to change, and chance for new beginnings. i've always made up resolutions, but never applied them, they were flippant and easily forgotten, but this year i put more thought into them. after being blessed with time for "fixing" i'm in a far better place than i was even this time last year, but i've still got work to do, and i wanted to post my resolutions here as a way to be accountable.
so without any further ado (read; rambling) my resolutions for 2013;
move on from my past; i'm so unbelievably happy in this new relationship, i actually can't think of a time in my life where i was this happy or content. but fears from my past keep bubbling to the surface. i'm wary that perhaps i'm being fooled, again (fool me once - shame on you, fool me twice - shame on me), i'm scared that i'm not good enough or deserving of this but most of all i am so fearful of having to endure the pain of a relationship breakdown again. none of these fears are founded. in fact, they are based on the way someone chose to treat me, not who i am as a person, nor are they the way everyone treats those they suposably love. it's a catch 22, the only factor that could bring these things to the surface is me doing exactly what i'm doing, trying to predict the future by comparing the present to my past. time to stop. "if you correct your mind the rest of your life will fall into place" (lao tzu)
which brings me to live in the moment, focus on the good stuff; before i was in a relationship i had silly little dreams, the kind of dreams i suspect most single females have at one stage or another. like how nice it would be, when visiting the shops or friends houses or parties, to have someone there with you, or when we first started seeing each other, having to get ready for dates, deciding what to wear yada yada i kept thinking "i can't wait till we're past this and can just spend the night snuggled on the couch together, watching dvd's in our trackies". now i have someones hand to hold when i'm at the shops and at parties and i don't savour those moments, i let them pass as though i've experienced them all my life. we snuggle on the couch and i complain that we don't go out as much as we used to. i'm all too aware that this stage of a relationship is to be cherished and i want to be conscious of cherishing these moments as they are happening.
be kinder; i have no problems admitting that i'm a good person, i am a kind person, i believe that i have a good heart. but i could still be kinder, and in doing so, become a better daughter, sister, friend and girlfriend. i've lapsed a little in telling friends and family how important they are to me and i need to improve on that.
get healthy - mind and body; with a new relationship i've piled on a few pounds. lets be honest, i need a few extra kgs on my bones, but i'm feeling pretty fat, i've been told that i look "healthy" and "alive" apparently i looked anorexic and sick before. i didn't eat when i was single. i was too sad - i didn't care enough about myself to give my body it's basic requirements, besides there's no fun in cooking for one, so i'd eat a tim tam and drink a cup of tea for my dinner and that was that. now i'm filling my body with food and obviously my body loves it. holding onto every morsel in fear that the day is coming where i take it away again. my head doesn't love it though, i look in the mirror and see someone enormous who doesn't fit into half of her clothes anymore. it's time to stop those thoughts, i'm putting food into my body and after years of being starved, it's thanking me for it. i'm not fat, and i'm not sickly thin (i've been on both sides of the scales before) it's a good thing to be nourished and have energy. i walk for a minimum of half an hour most days and i'm beginning yoga, both of which will help with getting healthy and maintaining a healthy weight. walking (solitude - time to process thoughts) and yoga will become great tools for getting my mind healthy, just as i hope living in the moment, focusing on the good stuff and moving on from my past will.
quieten my my mind with drawing, yoga and writing; when i was single i dedicated a day every week to be my introvert self. shut off the world and pour my heart into writing and drawing in solitude, it did my heart and soul wonders and i consider it one of the fundamental factors to "fixing" myself. having a day where i could empty my mind and heart became a necessity and i'd feel weighed down by my thoughts, often enduring sleepless nights should i not allow myself that one day. i had a tarot reading shortly after starting this relationship and two things came up several times, the need to hold on to all the good work i'd done in the past 18 months - to not let it go while my focus shifted to love for someone else, and to start yoga where i could learn techniques to quieten my mind. i'm not in that place anymore - that place where i need a day of solitude, i'd prefer to spend my time with my love than to be on my own these days, but i need to find a balance, i need to find time to write and draw and i need to take an occasional day just for me. i'm beginning yoga classes next week, i'm hoping they will help me with techniques to help me achieve this years resolutions.
and now, with this published for the world to see, i'm accountable (and have already made the first step in quietening my mind!)